Always A Bad Day For Adversaries

Chronic Stress and a Life: How Stress Almost Killed Me

I started getting sick two years ago: headaches, irritability, mood swings, poor sleep, and sinus congestion.  I started a new job not too much earlier and working hard at a non-profit simultaneously.  Several years earlier I began to get seasonal allergies.

It wasn’t constant.  The symptoms would come and go; again, like allergies.  I worked hard with long days and late nights on the equivalent of two tech start-ups.  Stress is normal. You work hard at start-ups.  You hustle day and night.  If you’re not stressed, you’re not working hard enough. The joy of a start-up is a struggle.  Right?

I worked in high stress environments before, in national cyber operations centers at the National Security Agency dealing with major national crises.  I had worked 18-hour days regularly simultaneously dealing with high stress and constant fatigue while also thriving.  So, I thought I knew I could handle stress.  I thought this was a bad allergic episode.

For six months the symptoms worsened.  Headaches constantly.  I couldn’t focus for long. It was harder to breathe through my nose and I diagnosed myself with worsening allergies.  I went to the doctor.  They suspected a sinus infection and proscribed a light steroid, nasal drops, and antibiotics.  I was on increasing doses of antibiotics for two months.  I had several international trips with long hours in the plane – a nauseating and painful experience with inflamed sinuses.  Nothing changed – it got worse.  Now, I was unable to focus on any task for more than 15 minutes.

I visited an ENT (ear, nose, throat) specialist.  After a 15-minute consultation they saw it was bad enough to order a CT scan to examine my sinuses immediately.  My sinuses were filled by inflamed sinus tissue – an extreme case of sinusitis.  That explained all my symptoms.  A question I asked the doctor: why?  Why was this happening?  His answer: they don’t really understand sinusitis and it could be caused by many factors.  But it wasn’t an infection being addressed by antibiotics; so, either it was a strain of resistant bacteria or something else.  Either way we needed to reduce the inflammation to get the sinuses to drain so they can heal.  They put me on lots and lots of steroids.

The steroid treatment was terrible.  Absolutely terrible.  It helped the inflammation but caused horrendous mood swings.  I didn’t like the person I was anymore.  After 30 days on steroids without improvement I opted for surgery as there were no other options.  I would have stents placed in my sinuses to force them to drain.  I would have my septum straightened and turbinates reduced to widen the nasal passages.  It was hell.  I lived and slept for a week in a reclining chair sipping apple juice only for 3-4 days unable to lay down and feeling too poor to do much else.  I couldn’t breathe through my nose and my entire face swollen and in pain.

After the post-surgery removal of the stints, packing, and everything else and weeks of follow-up appointments to clean out my sinuses with a small vacuum, it seemed to have worked.  I was feeling better.  I was breathing better than ever before.  My headaches were gone, and I was feeling more normal.  Case closed.

Fast forward 3 months.  I began feeling depressed.  The mood swings appeared again.  I was getting seriously anxious.  I would get angry at my family for little things.  I would wake up angry and anxious – I could feel my blood pressure rise within the first five minutes of being awake.  I channeled all that excess energy into cleaning – constantly cleaning the house and then being angry at everyone else when it wasn’t clean enough.  I was a complete wreck.  Interestingly, I also began to feel my sinuses again.  I could tell my stress level by how well I could feel their inflammation.  I would tell my wife, “I feel my sinuses” when I was getting anxious or stressed.

Luckily, I have the most intelligent and caring spouse, partner, and friend in Sherrie.  She was clear with me that I needed to get help.  Things were not good.  I was a different person.  I was ruining my relationship with my children.  I was ruining our relationship.  So, eventually I went back to the doctor.

This time, I went specifically to discuss depression, stress, and anxiety.  They increased my antidepressants which worked much better and helped manage generalized anxiety.  I also stayed away from Benadryl which I was using as a sleep aid because one of its side effects is anxiety.  I cut back on caffeine to reduce stimulants.  I also got out of the house more often which was a constant trigger.

Eventually I learned that what my sickness had a name: Chronic Stress.  I was dealing with an insidious demon.  One normalized and even encouraged by society.  After decades of working in high stress situations and environments my body was caught in a vicious cycle.  It was destroying itself.  The actual physiological components are complex and still not fully understood so I won’t explain them here but there are resources linked at the end which explain stress better.

I never knew this.  Of course, I heard about the risk and damage of stress in the abstract.  People saying “take care of yourself” or such.  But, hell, I worked in computer security. I hunted hackers and human traffickers from my desk.  I wasn’t taking bullets in my job.  My job wasn’t the usual work associated with high stress or PTSD.  But, unknowingly, that’s what it was leading to.  What was a manageable amount of stress earlier in my career had slowly destroyed me over time and now made me unable to handle normal situations.

I was likely terminally ill and didn’t know it.  My cognitive function was declining.  My blood pressure was out of control.  I stopped sleeping well.  I was very depressed.  Left uncontrolled I would have likely lost my family and even my life.

I battled chronic stress.  Not just stress – that makes it seem like a weekend off would have made things better. I now battled metabolic syndrome and likely long-term cognitive damage caused by stress.  I had physical surgery on my sinuses because of stress.  I had more common depressive episodes.  I had a reduced attention span.  I was more irritable.  Likely, permanently.  You see, stress is something that hurts you permanently and physically over time if left unmanaged.  There are thousands of studies that support this.  Importantly, chronic stress destroys brain synapses possibly permanently.  What was easy before becomes more difficult.

I’m doing better now.  I’m not “well.”  Chronic stress is now like an addiction recovery.  The effects are something I’ll now live with forever.  I’ll always be managing it.  I’ve permanently changed who I am neurologically and psychologically.  It may get easier over time if I can control it, but nobody knows.

So, I now take more time off.  I try to sleep longer going to bed earlier.  I spend more time outside in the sun.  I keep taking my prescriptions which help.  I am open with my coworkers and family about how I’m feeling and let people help me.  I tell people what I need more.  I take more time to contemplate and meditate.

Don’t let this happen to you.  Occasional stress is normal, but constant stress will destroy you.  Not tomorrow but, like a silent killer, over time changing who you are and what you can do.  If you see these or any similar symptoms – DO SOMETHING NOW.  Because you too may get caught in a vicious cycle caused by your own body before you recognize it.

Yes, I risk a lot by saying all of this.  It’s true that mental health is stigmatized.  We send cards to people who break their legs but never to those who struggle with mental illness.  It’s true that a future employer could find this post and hold it against me.  But if I can help at least one person recognize their symptoms and save a life from being ruined or ended then it will have been worth it.  The only way we make the world better is through empathy and positive action – not only with others, but with ourselves as well.

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Resources which have helped me:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/understanding-chronic-stress

https://humanstress.ca/stress/understand-your-stress/acute-vs-chronic-stress/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5137920/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2568977/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mindfulness/

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2 Comments

  1. Eddy

    Holly god, i went through something similar with headaches and sinus infection and not being able to sleep and eventually my blood pressure was out of control. I am only now getting better now because i ran away from the job that caused it, constant pressure and high stress (I worked in a soc, on shift and later had to handle a lot, sometimes i thought to myself this job requires three people at least why am I doing it).

    I hate how people keep encouraging this ( like saying if you’re not tired or stressed then you’re not working)

    The worset was i actually found a TED talk trying to sell people into accepting pressure and stress. This world can be crazy sometimes.

    Take care of yourself indeed because no one else would.

  2. Jeremiah

    Thanks for sharing bro, I certainly have experienced many of your symptoms both past and present.

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